To whom it may concern on the International Council of Monsters:
Thank you very much for the invitation to your Mashtastic Halloween Conference in Iceland. While I am honored to be allowed to cross your threshold and do plan to attend, I am a bit fussed at the thoughtlessness of your travel arrangements.
First, you booked my international flight from Atlanta for the middle of the day. It’s very hard for vampires to be in the sun.
Secondly, you listed me as a passenger on Delta Airlines. However, they have just rolled out a new biometrics terminal system. Using facial recognition technology and big data services, the airline checks passengers in by verifying their identity across their server of available images.
This will be very difficult for me for several reasons. To begin with, if I look at my reflection, I could kill myself. As well, I’ve been alive since the 1770s. It could be uncomfortable if my closest match is a family portrait hanging in the Met. Furthermore, if I use this or other biometrics, I have absolutely no idea if the technology will even register my appearance and my lack of heartbeat.
Thirdly, you listed my spoken language as Romanian. Let me just clear this up: Dracula is from Romania. I’m from Rome, GA. I speak Southern. While it is very nice that airlines provide AI-enhanced smart phone translation apps for flight attendants and customers, it is uncomfortable to be approached by humans, especially when I am hungry. I’m always hungry.
Finally, you booked my seat in business class. While I appreciate the gesture and leg room, it’s unacceptable. Airlines use way too much garlic in their deluxe business class meals. I would get heartburn at best, and a burned heart at worst. As well, these luxurious seats are riddled with silver plated sensors to deliver a perfect IoT seating experience. Although it would be nice to be completely connected mid-flight, it’s much too dangerous. However, I did appreciate the free subscription to several apps, such as in-flight entertainment management.
Although I am distressed by your thoughtlessness, I can only assume that you made these mistakes because you confused me with my partner, Dracula “Drake” Lyell, who is a werewolf. His travel arrangements seem much more suitable for me. He is booked on that same flight, but for a sealed coffin stored in cargo tracked with blockchain cargo technology. As well, the coffin is equipped with a cloud-based IoT monitoring device that transmits updates periodically to one of those apps to which you subscribed me… I assume that detail was an excellent gesture to ensure my coffin was not crushed or tampered with mid-flight.
Thankfully, due to the reservation programs enhanced by AI, we were able to change our arrangements without trouble. Since this event was booked on your dime, I also added a plane-to-hotel automated baggage service to our trip. It’s quite cool, actually: a robot will unload my coffin from the plane, transport me across the airport to a designated car, which will then drive autonomously to the expo and hotel center you’ve booked for all the monsters.
Drake and I cannot wait for the festivities!
Many kind regards,
Lupin “Lou” Countt